A Bad Habit Of Mine

Prologue

Do you have have a bad habit? Lucky you if you don't. Having bad habit makes you double exhausted. I have a bad habit that maybe every single girl in the world can't imagine what I've done for almost entire of my life. Have ever heard about Trichotillomania? What? What kind of substance is that? What kind thing is that? What happen if you are a Trichotilomania? You'll die? Not die, but it even worst, you'll live misstreated.

Trichotillomania is hair loss from repeated urges to pull or twist the hair until it breaks off. Patients are unable to stop this behavior, even as their hair becomes thinner.

Well, I've been suffered Trichotillomania (Trich) since I was 10 yo. I never imagined I would be trapped in Trich world. Trich has taken what is the glory of mine as a girl. I was growing hidden, shameful, misstreated, even bullied. Actually, I was born with normal face, I can say beautiful as above average, at least I always take compliment of my bright skin, baby face and beautiful before I reached 10 yo. But after Trich infiltrated, all changed. People around me only knows how to ask what happened to my hair? My new conditions attracted them to ask further about my social life, the have their presumption, as if I was a poor kid who need to be hidden due to shamfulness I created. Lack of confident made me abandoned myself. I always thought how happy I am if I no longer Trich? I always keep that in my mind.

I've tried to stop this bad habit, but what gotten me gave in was only my condition and my lack of consistency. I always wanted to get express result of growing new hair without stopping pulling my hair. Is that even possible? Luckily my hair kept growing after I pulled it, but I've loss too much that caused unable to cover it as soon as possible.

This was always happened to me:

Stress/too excited/sedentary life ------- unstopabble repeated Trich ------ hair loss ---- bald ---- stop ---- feel sorry ------ stress again ----- pulling hair again ----- denial ----- anxiety of not growing hair ----- daydreaming ----- anti social (refuse to meet new people).

You know, that cycles exhaust me so much! And it was repeated and repeated again. Then I come up with the idea, why didn't I stop the cycles and live as normal as I can?

Did I ever cease upon Trich?
Fortunately, I have, That was the most happiness moment I've ever had. That was the first long hair I ever had and it was not so long time ago. But I ended make my head bald again (now in top left/sigh).
Through this blog, I want to make myself give up on Trich. I need to be normal soon, I must live happily. I have to cop the stress with other way, I must!

So, what's the plan?

After visiting some websites related to "How to overcome Trich?" it makes me more tenacious to reach my goal. They may have their plan to overcome Trich, but some of them will not work at me because the problem is my self. I have to erase the habit from my blood stream. Let me do analyze first.

Why Do I Keep Do Trich? 

Actually, it's not under my control completely. The answer may be various, but basically, the problem may be in my mind. I had read medical journal about relation of Trich with grey matter in our brain. According to source:

Gray matter is a major component of the central nervous system, consisting of neuronal cell bodies, neuropil (dendrites and both unmyelinated axons and myelinated axons), glial cells (astroglia and oligodendrocytes) and capillaries. Grey matter contains neural cell bodies, in contrast to white matter, which does not and mostly contains myelinated axon tracts. The color difference arises mainly from the whiteness of myelin. In living tissue, grey matter actually has a grey-brown color which comes from capillary blood vessels and neuronal cell bodies. The function of grey matter is to route sensory or motor stimuli to interneurons of the CNS in order to create a response to the stimulus through chemical synapse activity. Grey matter structures (cortex, deep nuclei) process information originating in the sensory organs or in other grey matter regions. This information is conveyed via specialized nerve cell extensions (long axons), which form the bulk of the cerebral, cerebellar, and spinal white matter. 

Yeah! After knowing this fact I can blame my brain even more/Ha!/ So what I have to do is CHEATING MY MIND, right? I feels like in a movie, become a protagonist detective who has resolved a dead-end case/ Hahahaha/ Trich is a habit. My brain and my body has used to experience of pulling my hair. So, I have to make my brain feel as satisfied as I do. If my brain is satisfied, then mybody will not react with new condition since my brain has controlled them. Is that right? 

Let me make it simple. I will write the plan of "Cheating My Brain Project" completely, step by step and with integrity:

1. I need to protect my head first as a safety netting, in case my plan doesn't work smoothly. I have to use bandana, hat, a piece of cloth/whatever as soon as I arrived to my room. This room is the most often "killing" scene of thousand of my hair/ poor hair of mine.
2. I have to get rid of my hand as far as possible from my head, while I focus on reading, watching, and studying. These three actions are the best silent killer ever. 
3. I never became Trich when I am sweeping, making DIY stuff, sleeping, cooking, cleaning my house, gardening, washing car so I think I have to reduce my sedentary life and make the stress balance with those activities.
4. I have to make agreement to myself about reward and punishment. I don't know how to apply this circumstanse into that, especially the punishment. I can't think the proper punishemnt related to enhancement of my condition. Hmmm, as reward, if  I can complete a week without pulling hair at all, I deserve to get a new manga book. Otherwise, if I pull my hair, I have to wash my car (which is the most teribble action in my house since the water didn't flow well to car park) and everytime I pull my hair, I have to do sit up/push up 10 times. Sounds promising right?
5. I have to make daily check list to monitor my plan number 4.
6. I only allowed to watch within 2 hours, reading manga books in an hour, and I need to pray daily to God. It will keep me busy and relax my mind.
7. I need to wash my hair and give the best hair treatment especially when I need to grow my hair. Minimal, I have to wash my hair 2 times daily and I need to wet my hair before sleeping time.
8. If I am not on night shift duty, I am not allowed to sleep over than 11 pm. To maintain my body freshness.
9. I have to put in my mind how beauty I will be if I live without Trich.
10. It sounds crazy, but I may miss Trich as if it was the part of my life, but I need to make my mind think Trich is an evil disguise as a thief, steal my chance to have normal date with someone I adored. Blame Trich on everything will not solve all problem in my life, but, blame Trich cause it has taken my date and my money will make sense.

Last but not least, let me use this as a New Year Wish List: "I have to free from Trichotillomania! I will live normally!"

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